It’s really ok if you don’t read this.
On our walk last night after dinner we went down the next street over instead of going the other way, toward the park because last time we went to the park after dinner there was a total meltdown. Before dinner? When I can bribe her off the slide with the promise of food? Not a problem. After dinner when her belly is full and all I have to offer by way of incentive is taking a bath and sleeping in a crib with some stuffed animals and binkies? I’d be mad too.
Anyway, so we’re walking down this street we never walk down and a car pulls out of their driveway and then pulls up next to us. A woman is in the car, alone and she asks if we live on the street. She didn’t think we did because she has a little one and didn’t think there was anyone else on that street with little kids. We have the typical “no, next street over, I’m Mae, this is Christopher and Piper, oh thanks we like it, one and a half, yeah she’s tall, oh a card would be great, I don’t have mine on me!” conversation. She gives me her card, it’s adorable, it’s one of those cute “mommy cards” and her kid’s name is different yet not crazy, which I like. She’s nice. She has nice hair. She has her crap together enough to be leaving her house alone, at 7:00 on a Tuesday night, with nice hair. Obviously she’s too good for me but I give her my card anyway (Topher had one in his wallet. No I don’t carry business cards around on walks after dinner. weird.).
She goes on, we finish our walk. The following starts happening in my head:
She seemed really nice. That was so cool that she just pulled up to introduce herself, I doubt I would have done it. Crap. My twitter handle is on that card. She’s gonna see my crazy. Maybe not. Maybe she’s not into twitter. Maybe she’ll just see that there’s a twitter handle on there and throw the card away because obviously I’m one of those weird twitter people and she can’t be friends with me anyway. Or maybe she doesn’t even know what twitter is and she’ll just see the little @tophersgirl1 thing on the card and think I’m in some kind of cult and throw it away. She didn’t look like she was into cults, she looked normal. Maybe she knows about twitter, she seemed pretty in the now or whatever. What did I tweet about today anyway? Oh right. A rant about my work computer and a PSA that people shouldn’t judge all Floridians by that crazy loon who wants to burn the Koran. Wait. Quaran. no, Quran. But then isn’t there an apostrophe somewhere? Qu’ran? I think that’s it. Alyssa Milano would know. Why don’t I follow her? She seems cool and very non-idiotic in her celebrityness. I need to remember to follow Alyssa Milano. I can’t believe Tony Danza taught 10th grade english for a year, that’s so cool. Maybe when I’m 60 and have a pile of money I’ll go do something like that. I liked tenth grade english.
I wonder where she was going. Probably something cool like a pedicure or choir practice or coffee with some other cool mom with good hair. Doubtful she was just running to the store for a bag of frozen peas for dinner, if she was rushing she wouldn’t have stopped. And she was so nice. I was such a spaz, I think I interrupted her a ton. I hate that about myself. But then I’ve ALWAYS hated that about myself and yet still haven’t stopped doing it, so what the hell does THAT say about me as a person? That’s right. Lazy and self centered. Nice. She probably totally caught on to that too. Plus I gave her my blog card so she obviously already knew I was self centered seeing as I think the internet cares so much about me that I need my own website. So conceited. What is wrong with me?
Am I… Dammit I’m wearing my purple shirt today and I was wearing the same shirt in the photo on my card. She’s going to think I only have one shirt. Or that I’m obsessed with this shirt or something. So stupid. I wasn’t even wearing this shirt all day, just until that unfortunate diapering incident after dinner. Technically that shirt may have been clean, but I couldn’t tell. I should have put on some other shirt. That purple shirt was too hot anyway. And yet my favorite shirt right now is also a long sleeved shirt, but it has buttons so maybe it breathes better or something. I am so over this heat, I wish we lived somewhere where it wasn’t still 90 degrees every day at this time of year. I wonder if we can go to Vermont again next year. Maybe just for a long weekend. I wonder if we should leave Piper or bring her with us… she’ll need her own plane ticket so there’s that. But she’d be so cute up there in her pigtails with a cup of apple cider. We’d take her to a corn maze and go on a hay ride and she’d get hay all stuck in her hair. We should take her. That’s the only time you get to look cute with hay in your hair, when you’re a toddler on a hay ride in the fall. After that you just look sloppy walking around with hay in your hair.
Oh no, my hair. I have humid end of the day pony tail hair. OH GOD. OH MY GOD. I didn’t have any makeup on and I have red eyes from that stupid PMS induced crying fit after daycare pickup earlier. I am a hot mess of crazy face! I don’t know why she didn’t peel out of there, I probably scared her. Well, she’s one of those good moms with the cute cards and the good hair and she probably didn’t want to scare Piper with the screaming while speeding away from the scary lady. Stupid crying fit, what the hell was that even about? Oh right, Piper kept asking for Daddy and I asked her if she liked Mommy and she said no. twice. And I freaked out. Fantastic. I’m a rational, grown up 31 year old woman who dissolves into a puddle of tears when the one and a half year old says she doesn’t like me. She says no when you ask her if she wants more macaroni while shoving fistfuls of food into her face. She answers yes and no randomly all the time. Like when Topher asks her if she wants to be a nuclear physicist and she says yes. And then I ask her if she wants to be a trapeze artist and she says yes. And then we ask her what she wants to be when she grows up and she says “dog”. Right. So I let that get to me, awesome.
I babbled. I pretty much babbled at a strange woman in a car about how I don’t really know any moms in the neighborhood and I work and my kid goes to daycare. But then didn’t she say she worked part time too? Wait. Too? Did I make it sound like I work part time? I said Piper goes to daycare… I don’t remember. I was babbling. I may have said she goes to daycare sometimes? Which is ridiculous because she goes every day. I mean, yeah I have a somewhat flexible schedule but she’s there full time. I have no idea what I said. I was so flustered and worried about the impression I might be leaving that I left the impression that I’m someone else. At least I gave her my card so she knows my actual name and not just whatever name I may have made up for myself while I was having a social aneurysm.
This is pathetic. I looked like a trainwreck and I can’t even remember what I said to to this perfectly nice woman who went out of her way to introduce herself to me.
Maybe that was awkward for her, who knows. It would have been for me, I probably would never have done it. But it didn’t look like it freaked her out. She’s probably all outgoing and adorable. I bet she organizes stuff. She’s so organized she’s going to lead the damn PTA. Meanwhile I forgot to sign the stupid medicine form at daycare so my kid could get sunscreen. Yeah. This probably isn’t going to work out.
What’s worse? Even knowing that I gave her a card with my blog address on it, I still could not help myself from throwing this mess at the internet like monkeys throw crap at walls.
So, everybody say hi to Rebecca (That’s her name, internet. isn’t that a nice name for a nice lady with nice hair? I thought so.) and leave nice comments so she doesn’t think I’m completely insane. In exchange I promise that if I can get her to tell me what kind of shampoo she uses I’ll pass it on.
::passes out from the awesomeness that is this post::
We are far too alike for the benefit of humanity.
I’m sorry dear, I’m laughing my ass off at this post. You are, in fact, that voice inside my head.
I knew there was a reason why I’m totally not ever making friends outside of the internet. Next time I’m tempted I’m going to remember this. Thank you.
oh my god, I love this so much, I don’t even know what to say.
This is hysterical and TOTALLY the same things I think of at daycare / drop-off / mommy events… who’s got the good hair, the clean car, the fancy shoes with a perfect pedicure. I also hate the 90+ degree hot. Fall in Florida means the humidity is less than 75% which is a blessing but isn’t exactly a chill in the air.
Oh my gosh, Mae, you are amazing. Like in a way that that was the best post I have ever read (or at least that I can remember). I think like that all.the.time and just assume I am crazy. But now I know I’m not. Or at least if I am, so are you. And it’s nice to know another crazy person. Well, I don’t actually know you, but I feel like I do sometimes…
See, there I go all crazy on you. Oh. Hi, Rebecca. Let us know about that shampoo.
You are awesomely insecure just like the rest of us, and it’s comforting and hilarious.
And I? Think you have some if the awesomest, shiniest hair I have ever seen. Don’t change shampoos.
You are too cool. And so real. Which is awesome. No train wrecks here.
Love this post! Love. This is the same thing I do in situtations like this. My mind is always rambling.
I have had this same type of commentary running through my mind before! Glad I’m not the only one who feels like a spaz when meeting someone new. Loved the post!
dead.
this is me all the way! except i don’t compare hair….i usually compare how fat i am to the other mom.
best. post. ever.
I laughed the whole way through.
Also, when I was little my dad’s favorite game was asking me ridiculous questions because I always said “yes”. Like, “do you want a glass of motor oil?” “YES!” “Do you want a punch in the nose?” “YES!” Luckily I learned “no” before it became bad for me.
And in case you thought you were the craziest, I was just about to invite you and your family here to Connecticut for some cider and apple picking and was practically planning our itinerary for a whole weekend before I remember you BARELY know who I am and probably won’t be getting on a plane to spend a week enjoying New England. But, you know, if you want, you totally can.
Suzanne we love New England in the fall, probably our favorite place in the world that time of year. But Kerri has dibs on our next visit, I’ll be sure to broadcast my plans though (cause that’s how I am) so we should totally hook up!! And you’re not crazy, there’s an excellent chance that I will at some point be getting on a plane to spend a week enjoying New England, we actually do it about every other year!
I’m so glad to see it’s not just me who’s a spaz when I meet new people and am trying to make a good first impression.
Hey Rebecca! I hope you stop by this awesome slice of Internet and see what an awesome, funny, good person you just met!
I’m dying laughing but I swear it is WITH and not AT you. Because that would so be me. Fully. I’d be like that guy on Swingers who leaves the reeeeeally long message and then wants to take it back and can’t figure out how.
So Rebecca, you should totally still call her. She rocks. And her kid is a-freaking-dorable.
I nodded the whole time and wondered if you also wondered if you had food in your teeth. I always have to check or ask Cody as soon as I start my spaz-self-rants. Because if I have food in my teeth…we’ll I’ll probably never call her and if she e-mails I probably would ignore it because I’m worried about her thinking I don’t brush my teeth every day.
Well NOW I’m worried about the food in my teeth thing Alena, so thanks for that!!!!
You’re welcome. Anytime I can help.
I did think about the fact that what’s his face taught an english class. Like I wonder if people will sell their grades on Ebay after he’s gone?
Oh and Rebecca, call her or e-mail her or tweet her. I mean aren’t we all a little spaz on the inside?
This? Magic. I had to get up and pace while reading this because when I have this EXACT rant in real life, I would pace. And flail my arms. And shake my head, at myself. The grand finale? A “should’ve had a v-8″ smack to the back of my head.
I have never laughed so hard while reading a post before! I am so glad you wrote this, I have always thought I was a crazy neurotic person and normal people don’t do this. I can see from all the other comments that everyone does!! So funny, and I hope Rebecca finds your blog because she will love it too.
Ok, this is the first visit to your blog- and can I say- LOVE! Where have you been?! I’m so glad I found you! Wow, that came out creepy. I hope you don’t think I’m creepy now. I’m totally that girl that gives off the wrong first impression. I’m cool, really, I am. *sigh*
Hi Mae, Imagine my surprise when I looked up your website – you are hilarious! It was a pleasure meeting you and your family yesterday. You were all just so adorable, I couldn’t resist stopping to meet you. Hope we can get together soon. I look forward to getting to know you. You seem to have lots of people who think well of you!
It was very nice to meet you, Rebecca!
It’s Rebecca with the great hair! NO WAY.
Rebecca, I promise – you want to hang out with Mae. She’s amazing.
Is it creepy that I kinda want to SEE Rebecca’s hair? you know…now that she’s sort of “opted in” to place. Hmm, the answer is a definitive yes: that’s creepy.
Oh my goodness. How did you get a tape recorder inside my brain every single time I meet anyone?!
Seriously.
I mean, details are changed but it’s like looking at my thoughts written down. I heart you.
My oh, migh. So you have finally had a true glimpse of women and their minds. We all go through this in some way 365 days a year, year after year wether we are 30 or 60. We wonder are we the only person out there that critiques are chance encounters? Did I look ok? Did I say the right things to let someone know that we would like a friend? Did I fit, Did I measure u
p?
The truth is that we all measure up, we are all worthy, we are all excellant women, friends and mothers. We are worthy.
Some suggestions to other mothers, quit asking if your kid likes you. It only gives them power, even at an age that they don’t know they have any power over your hearts. Remember the eyes gazing up to you when they were newborns, remember when they clutched your finger, remember the first time they gave you kisses and flowers. Because as your children get older they will still show you those things, just differently.
How wonderful you met someone in your area, maybe she needs a friend also, friends have come to me when I have least expected, all of a sudden they are there, and they need you as much as you need them.
I love you sweet girl and I am proud that on a good day we are friends, what a blessing you are. Enjoy
So, I read the post. Then started reading all the comments and thinking well, that’s what I was going to say…then…Oh holy crap…Rebecca stopped in and said hi…see? You’re not totally bat shit crazy!
Love it!